Friday, November 13, 2009

i want to be the one.

“I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one." Ezekiel 22:30

When I heard one of my pastors read this verse the other night it hit me...HARD. This may be one of the saddest scriptures in the whole Bible to me. Here is God searching the entire nation of Israel for just 1 person to stand in the person to save the nation by the way they lived their life, by their prayers. All He needed was someone, not everyone...but He found NO ONE.

Too often we overlook verses like this thinking that it meant no one was living for one loved Him or prayed to Him or even talked a lot about Him. We think we have nothing in common with these kinds of stories.

But if we search deep down inside to face the haunting question, the ugly truth is we aren't truly standing in the gap either. I'm not saying we don't love Him or pray to Him, or even talk a lot about Him...but are we willing to be there when HE NEEDS US? When our nation needs us? When God searches our nation for someone to stand in the gap will He say, "I found no one"? I believe He IS searching, and I want Him to find me. I want to be ready.

The words to this song has been resonating in my heart since Wednesday night:

"I will be the one who worships
With all of my attention
I want to be the one You're looking for
Are You looking for someone to love You?
Know my heart is with You
I want to be the one You're looking for

When we're finally face to face
All I want to hear You say
Is I have been the one You're looking for" ("I Call You Jesus", Frontline)

when He is seeking, will I be what He is looking for?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ever just have one of "those" days?

Ever have those times when you think "why me?"

Ever think "I'm not good enough"?

I guarantee you have...but maybe you haven't. And I can almost guarantee you totally misunderstood me.

I'm having one of those days
where I wonder "why me"
I'm not good enough...

One of those days when I realize how incredibly blessed I am, and how much I don't deserve it. I have been crying a lot today, not out of sadness, but an overall appreciation for my life and everyone and everything in it. Crying for other people who don't have all I have been blessed with. Wishing the whole world could know what it feels like to be me...not for pity's sake, but because it feels really great to be me.

I bet that line made you uncomfortable. It would have made me feel a little uncomfortable to say at one time, but I'm done trying to feel sorry for myself and make the whole world feel sorry for me too. What is wrong with loving being me? NOTHING. And you need to love being you too!

Every moment of the day isn't rainbows and butterflies, but I am so thankful for my life. Today when Michael came home from work he brought me flowers. This doesn't happen all the time, and it happening today made it extra special. I sat down at the table as the aroma of roses filled my nostrils, staring at my man as he held our baby and just talked to me. I don't even know what he was talking didn't matter. All I could think was "how did I get so blessed?". They both stared at me with their deep blue gray eyes and smiled simultaneously as my eyes filled with tears. They love me like no one on earth ever has, and I feel the same way about them.

I hope you know what this feels like...even though it has nothing to do with feelings at all. It's something that can't be faked or bought. It blows happiness, butterflies and sunny skies out of the water. It has nothing to do with where I am, where I am going, or who goes with me.

It's Joy! Joy unspeakable and full of glory! Joy that brings strength and life and hope!

Happiness is a rollercoaster. Joy is a foundation.

(...more to come...)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

London is 12 weeks old!!!

Life has been so great! I got to spend a week in NJ with Londo...he did great on his first plane ride and finally got to meet his pop pop! I had a great time with family and friends, went down the shore with my sissy megan, saw my sissy Lee star in "Anything Goes", and got to see two of my childhood friends marry each other!! So wonderful :)

Last week we have our annual youth conference here at Antioch, and man God moved in some incredible ways!!! Life changing week for everyone involved!
While I was in Jersey my friend Alicia had her little man Landon! He was born premature due to some complications...and wow, he is such a miracle! I got to see him for a few moments before I left to come back to KC. Please keep him and his parents (Tim & Alicia) in your prayers! He is still in the NICU, but making progress. He needs to get better with his eating before he can come home. Please say a prayer for them whenever you think of it...having your little guy in the NICU all hooked up to things is not easy!!! They want him home so bad! Please pray for this little miracle :)

Friday, July 3, 2009

Time flies!

Well, it has been awhile since I updated! Time flies when you are having fun! (And when you are sleep deprived). London is now 7 weeks old and doing amazingly! He is smiling a lot now, especially when I go in his room in the morning. I am not an early morning person, but that smile makes getting up early so worth it! He sleeps between 5-6 hours a night too, which he has been doing since he was 4 weeks. What a blessing!

That's just a quick little update...I have some thoughts brewing in my mind for a longer post, but they aren't quite formulated yet. I will get there!!

Friday, June 5, 2009

3 weeks

Well, London has been home for 2 weeks and is 3 weeks old! I can't figure out if the time has gone fast or feels like an eternity. I suppose it depends on the moment at which I am trying to figure it out lol.
Anyway, last week my mom was in town. She loved being here and I loved her being here! (I got to SLEEP!) Now my sister Megan is here and we are loving that! I have been sick since Sunday...doesn't seem to be getting better since I don't get much time to rest. But...I am doing the best I can!
I don't know what else to say...London is healthy and happy :) so...I'll just post some pics since that's what everyone really wants anyway!after his first real bath...which he loved!

Thursday, May 28, 2009


London is 2 weeks old today! I have been reflecting on what a miracle he is...the transformations he has made in just two weeks. The nurse called the other day after running his tests and said there was no need for anymore home health care because he is so healthy and normal! He had his first check up at the Dr. yesterday and there is nothing to be concerned about! What a miracle! It comes as no surprise to family has seen its fair share of miracles. My life is certainly one of them.

See, I wasn't "supposed" to be born. My mom had a miscarriage just months before getting pregnant with me. It's no accident that things happened the way they did...I have known my whole life that I had purpose on this earth. I am thankful for my brother or sister who didn't make it so that I could. I have always felt like I couldn't waste my life knowing someone died for me to live. (Technically we should all be living this way since this has happened for us all...but that's a whole other thought train)

My dad always called me his "miracle baby" for this reason, and also because my dad nearly died before I was born. He had a triple bypass surgery and developed a staff infection that put him very close to dying.

My sister Megan wasn't "supposed" to live. She was born with a rare condition that didn't allow her to digest food. She would projectile vomit everything that went down. Basically she would have starved to death without surgery. The surgery to correct her condition had just been developed in January of that year. She was born in June.

My dad was a Pastor at an inner city church when I was young. We saw so many miracles during that time you would not even believe some of them unless you had been there to see it yourself.

The year my parents divorced my dad had a massive stroke. I will never forget waking up that morning to a message on the answering machine from a police officer telling my sister and I what had happened. His entire left side was paralyzed, his speech was slurred, and they were telling us his brain was very damaged. We got to the hospital about an hour after it had happened and he was already wiggling his toes and speaking some. The doctors didn't understand how it was possible. They moved him to a hospital in downtown Philadelphia, and when my sister and I got there to see him in his room he wasn't there. We started to panic because we thought he had died...until we saw him up walking the halls. The dr's didn't understand how it was possible. But we did.

3 years ago this June I saw another miracle in the form most people wouldn't call a "miracle". My brother Ross passed away from kidney and liver failure due to a life of drugs and alcohol. I know how that sounds...some miracle, right? Here's the thing...sometimes our miracle doesn't come the way we think it should. Death doesn't seem like a miracle to us...but my brother's death certainly was. Here was a man who had spent his life on wasting things, things that destroyed him both physically, emotionally and spiritually. In his last few weeks of life my dad didn't leave his side. He had so many spiritual awakenings during that time, and gave what was left of his life over to Christ. He didn't want to sit in the hospital and just die. He wanted to make a difference while he still could. He told my dad how he felt he had wasted everything and didn't know how he could do anything for God now. My dad challenged him "before you leave this hospital tonight, go tell everyone on this floor about Jesus". So my brother, frail and dying, went to every room that night and witnessed to everyone he met. He reached more people for Christ in that night than most of us do in our lifetime. My brother was a miracle.

My London is a miracle. It's amazing to see already the joy and strength he brings to people. It seems he was a little pillar of strength in that NICU. Both to the nurses and the other babies. The baby next to him had made some major improvements since he has been there. I love my little miracle. And even if things went totally in reverse tonight... if all his levels dropped...he would still be my miracle.

Living when you aren't supposed to isn't the only thing that makes a life a miracle. It's not about the number of years we "outlive" our projected number. It's the things we do for God and others that make miracles happen. I just want to encourage anyone who is reading this - in case no one has ever told you before...YOU ARE A MIRACLE! Your life is not by chance! Someone died so you could live - don't waste your miracle life!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Day 9

Friday, May 22nd

Today Mike's Aunt Jacque came over to see London and to spend some time with me. She is such an amazing woman and it was a blessing to spend some time with her! Renee' had been wanting to see London all day, so we decided we would drop him off and go on a date. It was so refreshing after the emotionally draining week we had to just be able to spend some time together having fun! :) Before we got to take London over to her house some family stopped by to see the baby :)

London's grrrreat Aunt Jacque and great grandparents! :)

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Thursday, May 21st
Finally the day we have been waiting for! Seems like this week has been an eternity long! So glad to finally take the little man home :) The dr. checked his levels before we left and everything was looking good. :) We have to have a home health care nurse come everyday though to keep checking all his levels...especially is Bili level. But overall he is a healthy baby! Praise God!
matching :) heheReady to go!

His first meeting with Hunter went so well...those of you who know us know we have been so afraid of Hunter not liking him. We love our dog and would hate to get rid of him! (Although some days I will not say that haha). But Hunter loved London instantly and is already so protective of him!

Our friends have been dying to see him, so we had a little welcome home party for him :). I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked (so sorry Ash!!) , I was a little out of it. :) Everyone loves him and that makes me feel so special. He is such a treasure and I know God is going to use him to bring encouragement to so many people.

First time in his crib! :)
Hunter likes to periodically check on "his" baby :)
guarding the cute!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Day 7- NICU

Wednesday, May 20th
Well, in about a half an hour we will be leaving to go to the hospital to spend the night with London! It will be like when you give birth and they let you have the baby room in. So we will get to take care of him but the nurses will be coming in and checking his vitals and all that. He will still be hooked up to the one Bili monitor for his jaundice. But this one is a cord that hooks up underneath him so he can still be held :) Reminds me of ghostbusters for some reason?UPDATE:
Aunt Lindsey FINALLY got to come see him and hold him!!

Rooming in with him went GREAT! He is such a good baby! So far he only cries when he is hungry or needs to be changed! Love him!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Day 6 - NICU

Tuesday, May 19th
I didn't get a chance to go see London until pretty late tonight. I was so beyond exhausted and figured I had better get some sleep while I can! Mike and Renee had gone to spend some time with him this afternoon. Jacinda came over to spend some time with me at dinner and to watch the American Idol finale. It was really refreshing to spend time with her. She is always such an encouragement and so willing to help me with anything and everything I may need. She even brought me some sweet tea just because it's my favorite and I haven't been able to drink it... little things like that mean so much to me!

The nurse told us today that if there is a room available tomorrow they want us to come in and spend the night with London under their care. At first this seemed a little intimidating to me, but the more I thought about it I realized it is a blessing to be able to have them there that first night to ask questions and be reassured of what is "normal". God definitely gives us medical professionals to help us and I am so thankful for people who devote the time to learning all's definitely a lot of hard work! As long as everything stays ok tomorrow night we will be able to take him home on Thursday! Praise the Lord! I am so ready to not have to leave him every night :). Everything with him is pretty much completely normal now... he still has the lights for his jaundice but they are not as high of a degree.

Here are some pictures from the night:
I think this is the best feeling I have ever felt in my life :) And I think I may have a mini me on this earth now. :) (although i have heard mia looks like me haha)
kisses :)

His daddy loves him so much :)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Day 5- NICU

Monday, May 18th
We went early in the morning to see little man. We walked in to the NICU found he had been moved to the NICU East. There aren't as many babies over there and they seem to be not as serious as the ones on the West side. His tube in his nose was gone and his catheter had been removed. His rash looked so much better that his nurse didn't even know he had it except for another nurse telling her. We held him for about an hour... I swear time stands still in my mind when I am holding him! The only thing that seemed a little bit of a concern was his oxygen would drop a little below where it should be. (It needed to be over 90% and would go to about nothing too serious.)
Messages for London :)
Mike singing to London...umm this completely melted my heart!!! He is such a great Daddy! He told London to be like his dad and only kiss one girl, and that he wouldn't regret it. (Mike and I have only kissed each other). I hope and pray London has the same integrity as his dad...what an amazing, loving example he has of a what a man of God looks like! I truly believe how we view our dad directly affects how we view God. That relationship is so key to how we approach and relate to God. It makes my heart happy to know that London will have security in who he is in and to God because of Mike. If you only knew the man he is you would wish you could have him as a dad too!!

Later on tonight we went to see London again and found him in his baby "tanning bed." (Must get that from Aunt Megan and Aunt Ashley!) His nurse told us he was doing so well and is just the happiest most well behaved handsome baby. (I wonder if she says this to everyone). She said he really doesn't cry much, he just doesn't like to stay still...sounds like our kid for sure! She told us that their only real concern now is his Bili level due to the Jaundice, which is easy to monitor with him under the lights. She said tomorrow they will try taking him off for a few hours and check his levels. Depending on the results he may be able to go home as soon as Wednesday!!!! Praise God! We only got to hold him for about 10 minutes this time because she had just fed him not too long ago and needed to get him back under the lights. This was probably one of our favorite times with him so far because he was awake the whole time. So stinkin cute!
His face is a little red from the face mask...but oh my goodness I could look at that face all day!
I think he has got his dad's eyes!

He has got his mom's profile!!!

Day 4 - NICU

Sunday, May 17th
Michael and I were finally able to get some sleep, and thankfully in the same bed and not on a hospital bed and a cot! We went to see London around 2:30 and the nurse laughed as she heard us come in and say "Is that our baby??" He looked dramatically better and was no longer on the heating bed! They told us again he kept making major progress. They hadn't fed him through his tube all day, and his rash had improved a lot! They were a little worried about his color (jaundice) but when they tried to put him under the lights it made him too hot and with his rash they figured they would just wait to put him under since he was borderline anyway. He was more alert this time around and even did a little crying for everyone but me...score one for the mom! :)
He also passed his hearing test :)

Renee got to hold him for a bit too :)
Mike's dad held him for about 30 soon as he started to cry he handed him back to Mike! haha